Who's Gonna Save Us
by Meghanav3
Summary: When Kensi believes there is nothing left between her and Deeks, her life start to lose control. Can Deeks fix things and save Kensi before she does something she'll forever regret?
1. Innocence

_**Who's Gonna Save Us**_

**Prologue**

**Summary:** When Kensi believes there is nothing left between her and Deeks, her life start to lose control. Can Deeks fix things and save Kensi before she does something she'll forever regret?

**Characters:** Kensi Blye, Marty Deeks, G Callen, Sam Hanna, Eric Beale, Nell Jones, Hetty Lange,

**Disclaimer:** I do not own NCISLA or its characters.

**Rating:** Not sure. Mild language, nothing to bad.

**Chapter One - "Innocence"**

She sat there on the floor leaning up again her bed, trying so hard to pull herself together. She wanted so badly to turn back the clock, redo the things she should have done the first time. She didn't know how she could be so stupid. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. Things weren't supposed to be like this. She closed her eyes trying to remember how things got so screwed up. He was gone and avoiding her and now here she was. All she really wanted to do was forget it, forget him and move on and some how it wasn't going to be that easy. She then heard a knock on her door. She got up from the floor, looked in the mirror and wiped away the tears. She made sure she looked like she hadn't been crying, before walking out of the bedroom. Whoever it was she wasn't about to let them know she was upset or crying. Once she got to the door she took one more deep breath, before opening it to find Callen on the other side.

"Hi," Callen said.

"What do you want Callen?" she asked him. She turned away from the door. Callen walked in and closed the door behind him.

"I'm worried about you Kensi," Callen said to her.

"I'm fine," Kensi said. "I don't know what you really have to worry about."

"You," Callen said to her. "I'm worried about you."

"You can stop worrying," Kensi said to him. "I didn't need you saving me."

"Are you sure about that one?" Callen asked. "We all understand you are hurting, but doing this isn't going to help it. We are here for you Kensi, we aren't going anywhere."

"Well right now I want you to leave," Kensi said.

"Why are you punishing us for what Deeks did?" Callen asked.

"Is that what you think this is?" Kensi asked him. "You think I am punishing you? Do you have any idea how much it hurts to know Deeks is gone, that he won't even take my calls. That he… how much it hurts to love someone and have them just walk away?" Kensi said trying not to let her emotions get the better of her. "Am I that …"

"Kensi," Callen said as he walked over to her but before he could do or say another word, there was a knock on the door. Kensi walked over and opened the door and there stood Deeks.

"Deeks" she said, not really sure what else to say.

"Hi Kensi" Deeks said. He looked up to see Callen standing in the back of the room.

"What are you doing here?" Kensi asked him. She was glad Callen hadn't started yelling at him.

"I was hoping we could talk," Deeks said. "Alone."

"Come in." Kensi said, moving so he could come in. She then turned to Callen. "I'm fine Callen."

"Are you sure?" Callen asked.

"Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow," Kensi said.

"See you tomorrow," Callen said before leaving, closing the door on his way out.

"So what did you want to talk about?" Kensi asked him.

"I wanted to apologize for the way I have been acting" Deeks said to her. "Before you say anything, I've been a complete jer… asshole. You didn't deserve any of that and I'm sorry."

"It's a little late for an apology isn't it," Kensi said to him bitterly.

"I deserve that," Deeks said. "I just wanted you to know how sorry I was... I am. I have done nothing but hurt you, when all you have tried to do was help me. I guess I felt like if I pushed everything away it would make it okay. In truth it made everything worse." Deeks explained to her. "The thing is that… It was you that kept me going. Getting back to you was all I thought about. I didn't want to think about not being about to hear your laugh, or see you smile or even make those silly jokes. After I was released from the hospital I didn't feel like the same person I was and I didn't want you to see that person. I didn't feel I was worthy… maybe not the right words, but I didn't think … I didn't want things to change. I wanted you to remember that person I used to be."

"So you ran away?" Kensi asked him. The tears where starting to form in her again.

"I wanted to hide from it all," Deeks said. "Yet every time I closed my eyes I was back there, it was just a lot for me to deal with. I didn't want to burden you with that, or to know any of that. I thought it be better if you were at arms length. I was wrong."

"You were," Kensi said to him. "I don't need protecting. I don't need you to tell me what's best for me. I just need to know you were still there. That I wasn't going to lose you, but you left."

"I hurt you I know that," Deeks said.

"No you didn't," Kensi said. "What you did was far worse."

"I'm sorry Kensi, I know it's not enough," Deeks said. "I want you to know how sorry I am."

"Now I know," Kensi said. "But it doesn't mean we are okay, we are not okay."

"I guess I shouldn't ask if it be okay if I came back to work," Deeks said.

"I thought you asked to go back to LAPD?" Kensi questioned him.

"I did actually, but Hetty refused to let me go. She told me to take the time and if I still wanted to go she'd let me go," Deeks said. "I don't want to go, but I will if you don't want me there."

"I don't" Kensi said.

"I guess that's it then," Deeks said and then turned to leave.

"Deeks wait," Kensi said. Deeks stopped and turned to face her. "I don't want you back, but you shouldn't leave."

"How can we work as partners?" Deeks asked her.

"We'll figure it out," Kensi said. "We always do."

"We do" Deeks said in agreement. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow."

"That you will" Kensi said. Kensi then walked Deeks leave. Once he was gone she once again broke down in tears. She honestly didn't know how she was going to do this. Between where she was now and Deeks back in her life, things were bound to collide. It was only a matter of when.

* * *

AN: This one has a different storyline, but still takes place after the season five opener.


	2. Wreaking Ball

**Chapter Two - "Wreaking Ball"**

After Kensi as put her stuff down at her desk and went straight to change and to the gym. The place was pretty quit, since she had gotten in early this morning. She went to the punching bag and started her workout. She was hoping it would make it feel better, but it only made things worse. This was giving her time to think about everything. Each event just played back in her mind over and over again.

"_You never ever ever know what the hell you're talking about because you never say what you mean." Kensi said as she got up and stormed off to her bike. She sits down and started to put her helmet back on. Deeks gets up and walked over to her. "It's so frustrating, it's like working with a fourteen…" He cuts her off by pulling her into a kiss. _

"_How's that for communication?" Deeks asks as he pulled away from the kiss. _

Kensi started punching the bag harder then before. She was trying to focus her emotions in her punches. She knew in the back of her mind she was going to hate herself for this in the morning, but she just wanted to get this out not.

"_He doesn't want to talk to me," Kensi said. She was sitting down in the chair in front of heads desk. It felts just like when the team "fired" Deeks to get him back into LAPD to see who the mole was. _

"_Give him time, he will come around," Hetty said to her. _

"_I don't think so," Kensi said. "He's just so broken. I don't know how to help him and he won't let me help him. I feel so lost."_

"_All you can do is be there for you partner," Hetty said. "He will need you."_

"_Sure feels like he's running away," Kensi said. "I don't think I can handle that, not again."_

Kensi kept hitting the bag. It was most now she had her focus on someone and hitting them. As she kept hitting the bag her emotions were starting to get the best of her. She was determined not to let them win.

"_It wasn't supposed to happen this way, working on the same task force side by side, seven days a week months on end. They feel in love." Callen said, as Kensi watch Sam walk off with Deeks standing next to her. She couldn't help but think about what else Sam might be keeping from them, and about her own partner. _

"_Don't worry Fern I'll be back," Deeks said as he put his sunglasses on and walked over to the car. Kensi couldn't help but laugh and smile. _

"_You're the one that never says what he means," Kensi snapped at him. She just wanted him to say something, but he just couldn't or wouldn't find the words. _

"_That's not true," Deeks said back to her. _

Kensi punched the bag a few more times before she let her emotions get the better of her. She dropped her head and just the tears fall. She was glad that for once the gym was empty, so no one would see her break down. The last thing she wanted was for someone to come and see her crying. This was just something she needed to do; she hoped just maybe this would help.

Deeks walked into the bullpen, no one away around but he could see Kensi was already here. Part of him wondered how this was going to work; another part of him knew this was going to end badly. As he put his stuff down he looked up to see Hetty standing just outside the bullpen.

"Should I be saying welcome back Mr. Deeks?" Hetty asked as she walked into the bullpen and over to his desk.

"I'd say ask me again tomorrow," Deeks said.

"Are you expecting some trouble or changing your mind?" Hetty questioned him.

"It depends on my partner," Deeks said.

"She was very worried about you," Hetty said.

"I screwed this up," Deeks said. "Now I need to figure out how to fix it."

"With time," Hetty said.

"Time might not be something I have," Deeks said.

"We all have the time, it's just how we use it," Hetty said before walking away. Deeks sat down in his chair. It was truly a weird feeling for him since he had been gone for so long. He was al set to get up and see if he could find Kensi, but then her heard Callen and Sam's voice.

"I got tickets to a Lakers game, tell me you will go," Sam said to Callen as then walked into the bullpen.

"Michelle still driving you crazy?" Callen asked as he walked over to his desk.

"I love my wife, but I need a night out," Sam said. Deeks then coughed slightly and the two turned to look at him.

"Welcome back Deeks," Callen said as he walked over to Deeks desk. Deeks got up and the two-shook hands. Deeks then turned to Sam.

"Welcome back," Sam said. He then took Deeks hand and pulled him into a bro hug. When he pulled back then two smiled at each other. Deeks knew from the talk in the hospital the two had formed a new bound and he knew it be different from now on. He just hoped he hadn't already screwed that up.

"It's good to be back," Deeks said.

"Does Kensi know you are back?" Callen asked.

"We talked after you left last night," Deeks said. "What I did there is no excuse and I'm going to do whatever it takes to show Kensi how sorry I am."

"We all care about Kensi," Callen said. "This was a real jackass thing to do."

"I'm only giving you the benefit of the doubt because of everything that happened," Sam said to him. "You hurt her again and I can't."

"Understood," Deeks said. "I don't plan on hurting her again. I even told her I'd leave if she didn't want me here, but she told me to stay."

"You better fix things fast," Callen said to him. "Or we'll lose Kensi for good."

"What do you mean?" Deeks asked.

"Kensi isn't fine, she's acting out and it's worrying me," Callen said. "I haven't said anything because I don't want her off the team."

"She's been distracted the last couple of weeks," Sam said.

"It's all on me," Deeks said. "I made the wrong choices, but I will fix them."

* * *

AN: Italics flashbacks/memories.


	3. Crawl

**Chapter Three - " Crawl"**

Kensi had gone back to her workout. She knew this time it wasn't about forgetting, but about keeping his mind on something else. That was until Eric, Nell or Hetty came to tell her they had a case. She had heard the footsteps, but continued with her workout.

"Kensi" the male voice said as he placed her hand on her shoulder

"What…" Kensi said as she stopped what she was doing and looked up to see Deeks standing there. "Sorry. When did you get in?"

"About an hour ago," Deeks said to her.

"I guess I just got into the work out," Kensi said to him.

"Yeah it looked like it," Deeks said. "I know last night we talked, I just wanted to make sure we were good."

"I'm good if you're good," Kensi said to him. It had been they're thing before everything went down. She knew that wasn't what he meant, but it was what came out.

"I'm good" Deeks said.

"Good" Kensi said.

"So we're both good then," Deeks said.

"Yup," Kensi said. Not really knowing where this conversation was going to take them next.

"I guess I'll let you get back to your work out," Deeks said and then turned to start to leave. Kensi was about to stop him, but just let him go. As Deeks had left Callen had entered. He walked over to Kensi.

"Everything okay?" Callen asked.

"Everything is fine," Kensi said. "Thanks for asking."

"Kens," Callen said.

"What Callen?" Kensi snapped at him. "What do you want from me?"

"I just want to know you're okay?" Callen said.

"Ask me again tomorrow," Kensi said to him bitterly.

"Kensi you can't keep doing this?" Callen said.

"Watch me" Kensi said before walking past him.

"This will not end how you want it too," Callen yelled to Kensi.

"It's better then the alterative," Kensi said before leaving the gym.

"So that went swimmingly," Deeks said as he walked into the bullpen. Sam was sitting at his desk on his computer. Deeks walked over to his desk and sat down.

"What did?" Sam asked.

"Talking to Kensi," Deeks said.

"You have to give her time," Sam said. "She almost lost you, you walked away from her and the team, and you shut her out. She's shutting herself down so she doesn't get hurt again."

"That's what I'm afraid of," Deeks said. "I'm not like you guys, I wasn't a Navy Seal, My father wasn't a Marine and I'm not like Callen. So dealing with everything that happened, it wasn't easy for me."

"We all get that," Sam said. "But it's everything that went along with figuring it out. If you can figure out how to show Kensi it's not like that, then you might be able to get her to talk to you again."

"Till then?" Deeks asked.

"Switch partners? Or work with her and go from there," Sam said.

"I want you to know I'm sorry," Deeks said. "You have every right to be mad at me, to hate me…"

"Where Kensi is concerned I am, but I was there too. I can't fault you for dealing with something like that," Sam said. "No one should ever have to go through something like that. I'm sorry you were even involved to begin with."

"We're a team, we stick together," Deeks said. "Michelle is your wife, you would do anything for her. Our job is to back you up and make sure you get out of there as well. I wouldn't change what I did."

"Like I said I owe you for that," Sam said.

After Kensi had walked out of the gym she had her bags and was heading out of the building when Hetty stopped her.

"Ms. Blye going somewhere?" Hetty asked.

"I was just leaving," Kensi said.

"To go?" Hetty asked.

"I'm just a phone call away, if there is a case Callen or Sam can call me," Kensi said.

"What about Mr. Deeks?" Hetty asked.

"What about him?" Kensi asked.

"He is your partner, shouldn't you be in contact with him?" Hetty asked.

"Funny he didn't feel the need to keep contact with me. Just replaying the favor," Kensi said.

"Ms. Blye," Hetty started to say.

"I'm going to go," Kensi said before walking past Hetty and leaving the building. Hetty walked toward the bullpen, just as she reached it Callen was walking to his desk.

"I'm afraid we have a problem," Hetty said.

"What is it?" Callen asked.

"Kensi," Hetty answered. "I would like it if someone could keep an eye on her."

"She's not making it easy," Callen said.

"It is not going to be easy Mr. Callen, but it needs to happen," Hetty said.

"We'll do what we can," Sam said.

"See to it," Hetty said before walking away and over to her desk.

* * *

An: This is a little short sorry about that and not really happy with it. Just using it to move to a certain point.


	4. Bruises

**Chapter Four - " Bruises"**

Kensi sat at the bar at the club, her drink was half gone and she was getting ready to order yet another. After walking out of work she had gone home, showered and went looking for an outfit. She had tried about six different things on before she finally found the right one. She had gotten herself all dressed up and headed out to her club of the night. She knew better then to go to the same club every night, it was less of a chance of someone recognizing her. She gave them a fake name anyways. When she went out, she wasn't Kensi no she was Alexa.

"Can I buy you a drink?" a male voice said. Kensi looked up to see someone standing next to her.

"Sure," Kensi said with a smile. The guy waved to the bartender and told him another round and then sat in the seat next to Kensi.

"I'm Carlos," Carlos said to Kensi.

"Alexa," Kensi said.

"I haven't seen you around here before, you come here often?" Carlos asked.

"If that is your idea of a pick up line, it sucked," Kensi said to him.

"It wasn't, it was an honest question" Carlos said.

"Honesty, hard to come by these days," Kensi said. "No, I don't come here often. I have been here a couple of time though. I don't remember ever seeing you here either."

"That's a shame," Carlos said. "My friend is actually the bartender, he gets me in for free if I help him out from time to time."

"You know how to bartend?" Kensi said.

"I do," Carlos said. "I'm sure I could make you a drink you'd never forget."

"Maybe another night," Kensi said. "You already got me another drink and I want to dance."

"Would you like someone to dance with?" Carlos asked.

"I would love someone," Kensi said. She then got up off her chair, Carlos doing the same and the two headed to the dance floor. "I love this song," Kensi yelled to Carlos as they got to the middle of the dance floor.

"So do I," Carlos yelled back. Kensi and Carlos started dancing, neither one of the realizing they had someone watching them. Kensi felt Carlos wrap his arm around her waist, pulling her closer to him a bit.

"Mind if I cut in," Kensi her a voice say. The two stopped and looked at the guy. Carlos looked at Kensi and she gave him a look of why not. Carlos moved back to the bar and Kensi and the guy started dancing. Like Carlos the guy wrapped his arm around Kensi waist and pulled her closer to him. While she was dancing with him, it set something off inside her she didn't like; it was almost like a warning. She felt as if she has been here before, but she that couldn't be right. "Miss me Alexa," the guy whispered into her ear, as he pulled her closer. Even though it was loud Kensi knew that voice and knew only people at the clubs she's been to knew that name. "I missed you." She pulled away from the guy, which grabbed the attention of some other people new by. She just ran past everyone grabbed her purse and headed out of the club. Carlos rushed after her and stopped her just outside the club.

"Alexa," Carlos said. "Is everything okay?"

"I need to get out of here, I can't be here," Kensi said to him.

"What happened?" Carlos asked.

"No, I just need to go," Kensi said to him before she took off walking. She honestly didn't know where she was going, but she knew she needed to get away. After walking many many miles, Kensi found herself at the door of the last person she ever thought she'd be at. She knocked on the door within a while minutes the door opened and there stood Deeks on the other end.

"Kensi," Deeks said.

"Can I come in?" Kensi said. Deeks moved out of the way and let Kensi in. He could see she was shaky, upset and nervous about something. Once he closed the door, he turned back to Kensi.

"Is everything okay?" Deeks asked.

"I don't… I just…" was all Kensi could get out. Deeks just walked over to her and pulled her into a hug. Kensi just started crying, she had held in so much emotion that it was all coming out at once. After a bit and Kensi has finally started to calm down, Deeks moved them over to the couch so they could sit down.

"What is going on?" Deeks asked her.

"I screwed up," Kensi said to him. "I was so busy hiding, I didn't realize what I was doing." Kensi said. "Callen tried to warn me, but I didn't listen."

"Kensi what happened?" Deeks asked her. Kensi got up from the couch and started pacing around the room.

"After you left and were avoiding me, I couldn't take someone else walking away like that. It hurt when Jack left and it killed me when you left. I didn't want to deal with it. It was easier to hate you and shut out everything else, then to feel that hurt again," Kensi explained to him. "It ended up effecting Callen and Sam, and at some point I ended up not wanting to show up because being there without you hurt to much. Nate might say I started acting out, I started going to a bunch of different nightclubs. I'd have some drinks and I'd dance, maybe even talk to any guy willing to listen to me. There was always a part of me that would want to go home with them, more so to hurt you back or just to forget you. I was doing this all to forget you, I needed to forget you."

"What happened?" Deeks said.

"About a week ago I was at this one club, I knew I had one to many," Kensi started to say to him. "But this guy came over asking to buy me a drink and I said okay. One turned into three, it's all mostly fuzzy, but I'm pretty sure I did leave with him. I don't really remember, I wake up on my couch" Kensi told him. She was trying her hardest not to get emotional. "He was at the club tonight."

"Are you sure?" Deeks asked.

"I'm sure," Kensi said. "He called me Alexa, it was the alias I used when I went out. I remember that voice and when I heard it I ran."

"Kensi it's okay" Deeks said. He got up from the couch and moved over to her.

"How can this be okay?" Kensi asked him. "I don't even know what happened."

"You don't know what happened," Deeks said.

"I just said that," Kensi said.

"So how can you know something happened? Maybe nothing did," Deeks said.

"A drunk women in a bar and a guy looking to get lucky, I think you can do the math," Kensi said.

"There are some guys out there who aren't like that," Deeks said. "Have you told anyone else?"

"No," Kensi said. "Though Callen had stopped by that morning. He was trying to convince me that I was going to get myself hurt. I ignored him."

"Maybe you should tell them. We could figure this out, give you piece of mind," Deeks said.

"And if something did happen, what then?" Kensi asked.

"What then? Nothing," Deeks said. "Kensi you were drunk and that idiot should have known better. But maybe you should take it as a wake up call and talk to Nate or someone. Callen is right you continue this and it's only going to hurt you in the end."

"I know," Kensi said.

"We are here for you Kensi," Deeks said. He took Kensi hands in his. "I'm here for you and I promise this time I'm not going anywhere."

* * *

An: Giving you two chapters in one. Only because I have a paper to write and presentation to work on. So giving you a little extra till I can write more. But do know there is an explanation, in later chapters. Part of this chapter I kind of took the idea from another show I watched. It is supposed to be a moment when you realize I have done something and I don't remember it, I've fallen that far I think it's time I ask for help.


	5. Staring At It

**Chapter Five- "Staring At It"**

"Eric I need a favor," Deeks said as he walked into the ops center. It was still earlier enough Callen and Sam weren't here yet. Deeks and Kensi had come in early and together. After what happened last night, Deeks wasn't about to let Kensi go home and lucky for him she didn't want to be alone. Once they got to work, Deeks put his stuff down and headed right for ops.

"Unless it's related to a case you know how Hetty is," Eric said. Sadly for him he didn't have Nell to back him up, she wasn't in yet either.

"It's for a case, kind of," Deeks said.

"Define kind of?" Eric said.

"Hetty told Callen, Sam and I to keep an eye on Kensi and that is all I am doing," Deeks said. "So can you do me this favor?"

"What is it?" Eric asked.

"Looking into the footage from about a week ago at Club S.O." Deeks said.

"You want me to hack into the surveillance cameras?" Eric asked.

"Hack, look into, barrow, just to check things over," Deeks said.

"What am I looking for?" Eric said.

"Kensi," Deeks said.

"I'm looking for Kensi," Eric said.

"Kensi knows about this before you say anything, I will deal with Hetty," Deeks said.

"Deal with Hetty about what?" Nell's voice said as she walked into the ops center.

"About something that Eric is going to do for me," Deeks said. "Just let me know when you find her."

"I will," Eric said.

"I owe you," Deeks said as he walked out the ops center. He could hear Eric yelling yes you do, as he headed downs the stairs and the bullpen. When he got there he saw Callen and Sam walking in, but Kensi was gone. "Did Kensi walk by you two?"

"No" Sam said.

"Damn it, I was gone five minutes," Deeks said.

"Deeks what is going on?" Callen asked.

"I'll tell you later, right now I need to go and find Kensi," Deeks said before taking off. He knew the building wasn't that big, he was just hoping Kensi hadn't gone home. After running around the building he finally found Kensi outside leaning up against the wall. "Kensi what are you doing?"

"I heard Callen and Sam coming, not ready to face them yet," Kensi said to him. "You know what I don't get… you're the one who was tortured and I'm the one falling apart. How does that even make sense?"

"I think Nate would say, because you have unresolved problems," Deeks said. "I would say because you watch your world fall part to many times and it's finally all catching up to you." Deeks moved closer to her. "We're only human, we can only handle so much."

"How are you so put together?" Kensi asked him.

"This is not me put together, in fact the voices still talk to me," Deeks said hoping to make her smile. Kensi couldn't help but let out a small laugh. "I'm not going to lie to you Kensi it wasn't easy, in fact my first day back it was challenging. It wasn't because of everything that happened between us, but because there was apart of me that wondered if I still could do this." Deeks explained to her. "We didn't have some big case, but it felt right being back. When I do get back out there it's going to be tough, but I know I'll make it through. Just like I know you will too."

"You're too good to me Deeks," Kensi said. "I don't deserve any of this."

"Who says?" Deeks asked.

"I've been a horrible person," Kensi said to him. "You've been going through so much and I've just been selfish and bitter and brushed you off like I'm the one who's right. When I should be by your side and I should be understanding."

"Kensi," Deeks said. He reached out and took her hands in his. "I didn't give you much of a chance to be by my side. I packed up my stuff and I left. When you tried to call me or contact me I ignored you. I shut everyone who cared about me out. Almost a month I was haled up in my place, before Hetty came and told me she needed to know if I wanted to stay or go," Deeks said to her. "Then a few days later she sends Nate to my door. As much as I didn't want him there, talking to him helped. It got me to the place I am today."

"You seem good," Kensi said to him.

"I'm getting there, more and more each day," Deeks said to her.

"I'm not good at this you know," Kensi said.

"Asking for help?" Deeks said. "I get that."

"I guess we should get back in there," Kensi said.

"Yeah, I'm sure the guys would like to see you," Deeks said to her.

"What do I even say to them?" Kensi said.

"You'll find the right words," Deeks said. "Just know they will be there for you too."

"I don't deserve that either," Kensi said.

"You do," Deeks said. He then led Kensi back into the building and into the bullpen. Sam and Callen got up from their chairs as Kensi and Deeks entered. Before any of them could say a word, Eric appeared.

"Deeks I found something," Eric said. Deeks then rushed up to ops with Eric.

"Do you know what that was about?" Callen asked Kensi, after they all watched Deeks rushed up the stairs.

"Yeah," Kensi said. "I've been… I haven't made the best calls, in fact I've made some that have effect this team."

"You have," Sam said.

"I'm sorry for that," Kensi said. "I know it doesn't make things right or fix things. I swear I'm going to figure this out.

"Look we just want to know you're okay," Sam said. "That is most important."

"I have been able to work it out with Hetty," Callen said. "You have made some bad calls that could have hurt all of us. It is a good thing nothing did, but Kensi this can't happen again."

"It won't," Kensi said. "This will never happen again."

"Good," Callen said. "We miss you." Kensi couldn't help but smile.

"I found Kensi walking out of the club a couple times, first time she left alone. Second time she left with someone." Eric said as he and Deeks walked over to his computer. Eric sat down and pulled up the footage from the camera.

"Let me see," Deeks said. Eric then played the footage. It was of Kensi stumbling her way out of the club, while hanging on someone. The guy flagged down a cab and got Kensi inside before getting inside himself. Eric stopped it and quickly changed from the video to a picture of the guy with Kensi.

"This was the cleanest shot I could get of the guy," Eric said.

"Son of a bitch," Deeks said.

"Do you know him?" Eric asked.

"I do, he's a cop," Deeks said before leaving ops. Callen, Sam and Kensi all walked as Deeks rushed out of the building.

"Deeks?" Kensi said as he has rushed by.

"Okay what was that about?" Callen asked.

"I made a stupid call," Kensi said. "I was at this club I had way to much to drink. I don't remember what happened. I just remember waking up on my couch. Deeks said he'd help figure out what happened. I think he did." Without saying another word, Callen rushed out of the bullpen, leaving Kensi and Sam wondering what was going on.

* * *

AN: Got a little extra time, so was able to write some more. I don't want to ruin things, but I swear it will work out. Be patient. Little preview there is a little nice scene between Sam and Kensi coming up.


	6. Facedown

**Chapter Six- "Facedown"**

Deeks walked into the precinct and continued going until he got to where he was going. All he kept seeing was that footage in his mind playing over and over again. He couldn't understand how anyone to not see that she needed to be sent home and alone. He knew he was a bastard, but a son of a bitch too. When he got to where he was going, the person he was looking for was talking to someone else.

"Alvarez" Deeks said. The two guys stop talking, one turned to face Deeks. Deeks balled up his hand to make a fist, brought it up and punched him right in the jaw. The guy brought his hand up to his face, where Deeks had just punched him.

"What the hell?" Alvarez said to Deeks.

"That was for taken advantage of Kensi," Deeks snapped at him. "I thought I knew you, but you've changed."

"I've changed? Deeks what are you talking about?" Alvarez said.

"You remember the drunken women you took home from Club S.O a week ago," Deeks said. He could see Alvarez piecing it together now. "Now you remember, the one who clearly couldn't make decisions on her own."

"Deeks it's not what you think," Alvarez said.

"So did you think she'd never remember?" Deeks said. "But you couldn't help yourself, last night you decided to torment her at the club."

"Deeks," Alvarez said. "Yes I was at the club last night and yes I talked to her, but it's not what you think."

"He's telling the truth," Callen voice said. Deeks turned to see Callen walking towards Deeks and Alvarez. "Deeks whatever you think you know it's not that."

"Callen here hired me to keep an eye on your girl," Alvarez said. "He knew I worked the club scene and just asked me to make sure she didn't do something stupid. That night when I saw the idiot trying to leave with her, I stepped in. I got her in the cab and got her home safely. I wasn't about to leave her to fend for herself. After I dropped her off I gave Callen a call and told him she got a little too drunk and someone should check on her."

"I knew if Sam or I followed her she'd pull away from us more," Callen said. "I was only looking out for her."

"So you were protecting her?" Deeks asked.

"Yeah," Callen said.

"Why didn't you tell Hetty this yesterday?" Deeks asked.

"Because no one knows," Callen said. "Had things gotten worse, I would have said something."

"How long have you been watching out for her?" Deeks asked.

"A month and a half," Callen said. "It was about a week after Sam came back. Hetty and Kensi had this talk and when Kensi came back, you could see in her eyes something was not right. The case, Kensi wasn't fully there. One night following that I went to go check on her, but ended up following her to a club. I got in contact with Detective Alvarez and ask him for a favor."

"She goes to five different clubs and uses the same fake name," Alvarez said. "I have seen a lot of things undercover, but I could tell she was running from something."

"That she was," Deeks said.

"But whatever you said to her, you got through to her," Callen said.

"She came to me," Deeks said. "Whatever happened last night… it brought her to my door. She's broken Callen and it's my fault." Deeks said before walking past Callen and heading out of the building.

"I know I'm the last person you'd most likely want to talk to," Sam said. After Callen had left the two had sat in silence in the bullpen, neither really knowing what to say to the other.

"Why would you say that?" Kensi asked.

"Maybe you'd think I would try and defend Deeks because I was there too," Sam said. "I don't want things to be weird with us?"

"Neither do I," Kensi said. "I know getting back to where we were isn't going to be easy, but I'm going to do whatever it takes."

"Good," Sam said. Sam looked down at his desk, before looking back at Kensi. "Why did you come to one of us?"

"What?" Kensi asked.

"Callen and I why didn't you come to one of us?" Sam asked.

"I guess because I didn't want you to see me as someone who breaks," Kensi said. "I've always been this strong and tough person. For a while I wasn't that person anymore and I didn't want you to see that. I didn't want to see that person."

"Kensi we have never seen you as anyone but who you are," Sam said to her as he got up and walked over to her desk. "We have all had those times when we think is this it is this all we can handle? Can I really continue going? The answer is yes, why because you have people who care about you."

"Then why do they keep leaving?" Kensi said to him as tears started to form in her eyes.

"Kensi," Sam said to her, trying to offer support.

"My dad was murder, then Jack left, Dom was killed and now Deeks. Why do the people I care about and love keep leaving me? What am I doing wrong?" Kensi said as she started to cry. Sam pulled Kensi into a hug.

"Kensi it's not you," Sam said to her. He then pulled away and looked into her eyes. "It was never you."

"Everything that happened with Jack happened again with Deeks. Everything I do just isn't enough Sam, I'm not enough," Kensi said to him.

"That is not true," Sam said to her. "Do not for a second believe that that is true. You are enough; you're more then enough. It's just sometimes enough just isn't enough. It's not anything you have or haven't done." Sam explained to her. "But Deeks came back, Kensi. He's not gone."

"I know that," Kensi said. "He's said that he was here and I'm trying, I'm really trying. I just keep waiting for him not to show up you know, because part of me feels like this is all just a dream."

"But it's not," Sam said to her. "If Deeks says he's not going anywhere, he means it. Callen and I aren't going anywhere either. We aren't going to leave you Kensi."

"You know when I saw Deeks in that chair and all that blood my first thought was Deeks is dead. Then I started going he can't be dead he promised me, he promised me he wouldn't get himself killed," Kensi said. "How self do I sound? We risk our lives everyday and I made Deeks promise me he'd never get himself killed. I didn't… I didn't…I love him Sam. I tried to forget him. I tried to pretend he didn't exist in my life. I tried to be mad at him, I needed to hate him, because…because living without him hurt to much."

"Does he know this?" Sam asked her.

"No," Kensi replied. "I never told him."

"I'm not going to tell you what to do, but I think you should tell him," Sam said to her before walking back over to his desk and sitting down. Kensi got up from her desk and headed out of the bullpen. She didn't know where she was going, but new she'd find it when she got there.

* * *

AN: The answer to the club confusion. I love Sam and Kensi's friendship, wish we got to see more. I tried to add that in here and like how it came out.


	7. Stay With Me

**Chapter Seven- "Stay With Me"**

Kensi didn't know how she ended up on the beach, but as how she found herself sitting in the sand staring out at the water. In the back of her mind she wondered if Deeks would be worried when he got back and she wasn't there. Would they think she had just taken off? Were they that worried about, that they'd believe she'd disappear? Would Sam tell them she's okay? All these thoughts just ran through her head, she didn't noticed Nate had sat down next to her.

"The ocean can be very soothing," Nate said. Kensi pulled herself out of her head and looked over at Nate and than back at the water.

"It makes me you believe anything is possible," Kensi said. "Hetty sent you didn't she?"

"If you already know the answer, why ask the question?" Nate said.

"She wants to know if I'm too broken to be fixed right?" Kensi asked.

"No," Nate answered. "She wants you to be okay and it's clear to see you're not."

"It shouldn't be like this," Kensi said to him. "I shouldn't be the one falling apart, I should be the one..."

"The one what Kensi?" Nate said. "Who holds it all together? The person Deeks needs when he needs someone to talk to?"

"The one who isn't falling a part. Deeks was the one who was abducted and tortured and I'm here," Kensi said.

"You have been through a lot too Kensi," Nate said. "No one is saying you shouldn't be feeling this way. You're just dealing with it how you feel fit."

"Don't do that," Kensi said. She got up from her spot and started walking along the beach. Nate got up and followed behind.

"Do what Kensi?" Nate said.

"Analyze me and tell me I have a right to feel this way," Kensi said.

"So you're mad at yourself for feeling this way when Deeks is the one you should be focusing on?" Nate said. "Isn't he the reason you're in this place to begin with?" Kensi stopped and turned to face Nate. "You want to let out all these emotions, but feel you can't because it would be selfish. You have a right to feel this way, wither you want to believe it or not."

"But I am being selfish," Kensi said. "I…. I…. I've made a mess of everything."

"How's that?" Nate asked.

"Like you don't know," Kensi said. "Hetty has most likely told you everything already. How I've just about abandoned the team. How I have shut out everyone who cares about me. Or how I've tried to forget Deeks by pretending to be someone I'm not. Which most likely made me to do the stupidest thing I've ever done."

"Hetty hasn't said a thing, she has just told me she is worried about you," Nate said. "She actually told me to come sooner, she was worried about the effect this might have on you. I should have come, she was right to worry, but this does not define who you are."

"You can analyze me all you want and tell me all these things, but the fact is …"Kensi started to say to Nate.

"The fact is what Kensi?" Nate said.

"I'm far to broken," Kensi said. "I wanted to believe I could do this, that if I tried hard enough things would be okay again. But they will never be okay."

"Why do you believe this?" Nate asked her.

"Because whatever I do it's never going to be enough. You can all tell me differently, but it's the truth," Kensi said to him. "Jack left and Deeks will too. It's better to just walk away then to continue to watch as it all falls down." Kensi then turned back around and walked away from Nate.

Deeks walked back into the building with Callen followed not far behind. They got to the bullpen and there sat only Sam. Deeks wanted to run and go looking for Kensi again, but there was a part of him that knew because she was left with Sam she was fine. He had to believe she was fine.

"Either of you want to explain what happened?" Sam asked.

"Kensi came to me last night, she was panicked, crying and all over the place," Deeks said. "She told me about how she thought something happened between her and someone in a stupid drunken night. I said we could look into it and figure it out, so I asked Eric to look into it."

"You ask Eric for a personal favor?" Sam said.

"I said I'd deal with Hetty. Eric got the guy on camera and turned out to be someone I knew from the LAPD. I went off half-cocked and pissed off he could do something like this," Deeks said.

"But he was actually just looking out for Kensi," Callen said finishing Deeks story.

"You went after him?" Sam asked Callen.

"I'm the one who asked him to look after Kensi," Callen said. "I wanted to know she was okay, that someone was keeping an eye on her. You and I both know Sam she would have pushed us away and it would have made it worse."

"Does she know?" Sam asked.

"No, not yet. I was coming back to tell her," Deeks said.

"She just left a little bit ago," Sam, said. "I'm sure she didn't get far."

"I think now would be a good time not to push her," Callen said. "Let her be for a bit, I'm sure Hetty has Nate talking to her anyways."

"It's not going to be easy, but I'll try," Deeks said.

"We know this is tough, it's tough for us too, it's Kensi," Callen said.

"How are you holding up?" Sam asked.

"Haven't really had a chance to think about myself," Deeks said. "Been so focused on Kensi, but I'm doing fine. I think focusing on Kensi is what I needed. I wasn't sure I wanted to come back, then talking to Kensi I didn't think this was going to work out. With all this that is going on, I've realized there is no where else I rather be."

"We're glad to have you back," Callen said.

"Welcome back Deeks," Sam said with a small smile.

* * *

AN: What everything was good and now it's not? Kensi still has a lot to work through, and that is coming. Working on those scenes now, because I want it to be as good as it can be. Sadly it's still a couple of chapters away.


	8. Fallen

**Chapter Eight- "Fallen"**

Nate walked past the bullpen and straight to Hetty's desk. He knew if any of them saw him, especially Deeks they'd stop and asking him about Kensi. Right now he needed to talk to Hetty before he said anything to any one else. Once he got to Hetty's desk she was sitting there as if she was expecting him. He took a set in the chair.

"How is Miss Blye?" Hetty asked.

"It's not good," Nate said. "She's angry at a lot of people including herself. She blames herself for all of it. Deeks getting hurt, Jack leaving, I'm sure she's adding in Dominic's death and her fathers death, along with everything that happened with Deeks that day too."

"I see," Hetty said.

"I can continued to talk to her, but if she doesn't want help it's not going to happen," Nate said. "She believes everything bad that is happening around her is her fault and thinks if she isn't there anymore everyone is better off."

"Do you believe Kensi is a danger to herself?" Hetty asked.

"At this point in time, no," Nate, said. "But if she continues down this rabbit hole yes."

"Do you believe he is good for her?" Hetty asked.

"I do believe Deeks is good for Kensi. Right now I think it's the only thing keeping her hanging on, but at the same time I don't think good. She is in this place because of everything that had happened," Nate said. "I think Kensi needs to tell Deeks the truth. It might not fix her as Kensi had put it, but being able to tell Deeks everything she is feeling. It might just be the break through she needs. I also think Deeks is not the only person she is angry with, but because she cares about him as much as she does he is getting all the anger."

"What do you propose we do?" Hetty asked.

"For this I would say let her let out her anger out on the people she needs to, but when you don't have everyone it's not so easy," Nate said.

"You believe she should talk to Jack as well?" Hetty said.

"She's been holding on to the hurt for a long time," Nate said.

"Do what you need to do," Hetty said. "Keep me informed."

"Will do," Nate said. He got up from the chair and walked away from Hetty Desk. He then walked over to the bullpen. Once the guys saw him, they all looked up at him. "Deeks I need you for something."

"If it's because Hetty thinks I need to talk to you some more, I swear I was only kidding about the voices," Deeks said.

"This is for something else," Nate said.

"Okay" Deeks said. He got up from his chair and walked over to Nate. The two then walked out of the building.

Kensi didn't know where she was headed she just knew it wasn't back to NCIS and she knew it wasn't to her place. Some how she ended up at a little dinner. She walked in and over to the counter and sat down. The place wasn't busy, but it seemed like the workers were running around like the place was pack. She was too busy looking around to notice someone sitting down next to her.

"Some might call this fate," The voice said. Kensi looked over to see Carlos sitting down next to her. Only he looked a little bit rougher then he did last night.

"Others might call it stalking," Kensi said.

"Well I'm not like other people," Carlos said. "If you want to think I am, I was here first. I saw you sit down and just wanted to see how you were doing. You didn't look so good when you left the club last night."

"I'm fine," Kensi said to him. "I just reacted more then I should have. It was nothing."

"Are you sure about that?" Carlos said. "Are you sure it's not about the guy who asked you to dance?"

"Why he give you that bruise?" Kensi asked him.

"Actually this was a friend," Carlos said as he pointed to the bruise. "Something about I slept with his wife, in my defense she came on to me and I didn't know they were married."

"I feel like you're just saying that to make it sound worse then it is," Kensi said to him.

"Maybe I am," Carlos said.

"So what's the truth?" Kensi asked him.

"Someone I know, he went after me without knowing the facts," Carlos said. "It's a horrible feeling when the person you once knew doesn't believe you're innocent."

"I'm sorry," Kensi said.

"It's not your fault," Carlos said. "He just knows the type of person I am and believed that I got myself in to deep. Frankly I don't blame him, when you live the life I live it's hard to separate yourself from who you are to who you are trying to be."

"I get that," Kensi said.

"At least someone does, not many get that now a days," Carlos said. "I should get going, I'm sure you wanted to be alone plus I've got some wok to take care of."

"You wouldn't want to stay would you?" Kensi asked him.

"Are you sure?" Carlos asked.

"Yeah," Kensi said. "Look you're the first person I have been able to talk to in a long time. It's nice being able to talk to someone, you know who doesn't know me."

"I'm glad I could be of some help," Carlos said. "I'd be happy to stay and talk. Before you ask I only said I had work because I figure you wanted me gone." Kensi couldn't help but let out a small laugh and smile.

"So tell me Carlos why are you so different?" Kensi asked him. "Most guys would be trying to convince me to come home with them, but you, you seem to be okay with just talking to me."

"Helping my friend out at the bar, I see a lot of girls go home drunk and with random strangers and I don't like it. You never know what kind of person you're leaving with," Carlos said. "I was taught to respect women, so I try to show them there are still nice guts out there."

"You and the rest of the guys, but doesn't stop them," Kensi said about his comment on respecting women. "It's nice knowing there are guys like you out there. I'm sure you'll make someone really happy one day."

"You including yourself in that mix?" Carlos asked.

"No," Kensi said. "People I care about tend to leave. So I have no reason to get attached to anyone."

"Miss out of the wonders of love?" Carlos said.

"Love doesn't make the world go round," Kensi said. "Love is for fools."

"No it's not, but you are right isn't doesn't make the world go round, it makes the ride worthwhile," Carlos said. "To be in this world and never experience love, that is like cutting yourself off from eating or drinking or sleeping. It's something you need to experience, because once you find love and I mean true love you're never going to want to let it go."

"You sound like a fortune cookie," Kensi said.

"It's the truth," Carlos said. "If you love someone you'd do whatever you can to get them in your life, because true love is what makes all the pain and heartache worth it in the end. You'll know when you found it, how you just know."

"Did you come from a fairytale story?" Kensi said.

"No, but I found true love once. I just let it slip through my fingers." Carlos said to her. "And judging by your face and tone you found it too, you just don't want to get hurt."

"I thought it was love, but how can one really tell now a days," Kensi said, trying to hide behind her words. "You can say I love you to someone and not even mean it. So how do you know when someone is being truthful?"

"Someone famous once said," Carlos said. "Love is like the wind, you can't see it but you can feel it."

"Why are you so set on making me believe in love," Kensi asked him.

"Why are you so dead set against it?" Carlos asked.

"I told you the people I care about always leave," Kensi said.

"Doesn't mean you should give on it," Carlos said. "Look I know you were just looking for someone to listen to you and if you still want that I can be that person. I don't think you should give up on something, you never know what waits for you."

"I feel like Nate sent you," Kensi said.

"Nate?" Carlos asked.

"It doesn't matter," Kensi said.

"I do need to get going, but think about what I said," Carlos said. Carlos got up from his chair and moved closer to Kensi. "If you ever want someone to talk to I'm here," Carlos said as he pushed a napkin with his number on it next to Kensi, before walking out of the Dinner. Kensi looked at it for a moment and then pulled out her phone. As she was just about to enter his number her phone started ringing.

"Kensi," Kensi said as she answered the phone. "Right now... Yeah I'll be right there," Kensi said into the phone. She then hung up, grabbed the napkin, put it in her pocket before heading out of the dinner herself.

* * *

AN: Disclaimer in case you didn't get the connection. Carlos and Alvarez same person, so it's Carlos Alvarez. He is not evil, don't plan on making him evil, but he might show up again. The whole night club thing has not been forgotten, with things coming up next it slightly wasn't important. It will come back.


	9. Don't Want an Ending

**Chapter Nine- "Don't Want an Ending"**

Kensi walked into the boathouse, she didn't know why Nate wanted to see her, but she figure it was because of the way their talk ended. She knew there really wasn't much left to say, she had said just about everything she needed to say. When she walked in she saw Nate just standing there waiting for her. The TV monitor was off and Kensi got this sinking feeling something else was going on.

"If this is you trying to get me to change my mind it's not going to happen," Kensi said. "I've made my decision and I'm going to talk to Hetty. This team deserves more then I can give them."

"I am not here to talk you out of leaving," Nate said. "I believe there is one more thing to do before you tell Hetty."

"What's that? Listen to you analyze me some more?" Kensi said.

"Nope," Nate said. "You will be doing the talking. Just follow me." Nate then led her into the interrogation room, where Deeks was already sitting in one of the chairs. Once Kensi saw him she turned to leave but Nate stopped her.

"You set me up?" Kensi snapped at Nate.

"No, you need to talk to Deeks," Nate said. "He's your partner and you owe him that." Nate said before leaving the room and closing the door. Kensi went to try and opened it but it was locked.

"I owe him nothing," Kensi yelled as she kicked the door.

"Just for the record I had nothing to do with this," Deeks said. "Nate dragged me here and locked me in. I didn't know what he was planning on doing."

"Well for Federal Agents, the Psychologist out smarted us," Kensi said. She then walked over to the empty chair and sat down. "I'm not playing his game."

"So that means you are back to being mad at me?" Deeks said. "I thought…"

"I'm just not playing into whatever game he is trying to pull," Kensi said.

"Then why did you say you owe me nothing after Nate said you needed to talk to me?" Deeks asked.

"Nate is playing mind games, he wants to see us react," Kensi said trying to cover up the truth.

"What is it Nate thinks you need to tell me?" Deeks asked.

"Nothing," Kensi said. "It's nothing."

"Which means it's something," Deeks said. "You know I really thought we were moving to a better place. You came to me when you needed help and have talked to me. What happened?"

"What happened?" Kensi said. "What happened? You happened." Kensi got up from the chair and yelled the last part at Deeks. "I was perfectly fine until you walked into my life, but no you had to go and make me believe all these things again like they were at all possible. Only to get up and walk away." Deeks stood there not should how to respond to her. "Why did you leave? Was I not enough for you? Did I do something wrong? Tell me what I did to make you leave?"

"Kensi," Deeks said he got up from his chair and walked over to her. He reached out and took her hands in his. "You didn't do anything. This was about me, it was never about you."

"Why did you shut me out?" Kensi said. She had already started crying.

"I know I did everything wrong," Deeks said. "I shouldn't have ignored your calls, I should have talk to you. I needed to get away from everything."

"You needed to get away from everything? And Everyone?" Kensi said. She wasn't really looking for an answer back.

"At the time yeah," Deeks said. "It was all to much and I'm not like all of you. I don't know how to deal with these kinds of things. I needed to deal with it on my own. At the time it felt right to walk away and never look back."

"Even after?" Kensi asked.

"Yeah," Deeks said. "The bad out weighted the good and I let it. I wasn't trying to hurt you Kensi, I swear."

"Had you left the team, would you have said anything to me?" Kensi asked him. Deeks shook his head no.

"I guess it would have made it easier to leave not seeing you or anyone," Deeks said. Kensi pulled her hands away from Deeks.

"You self-righteous, son of a bitch," Kensi said as she started hitting him with her hands palms up. Deeks stood there and let her get her angry out, knowing she wasn't really trying to hurt him. She just needed to let it out. "How could you do this? How could you leave me? I did everything I could for you." Kensi slowly stopped hitting Deeks. She then leaned against him as he wrapped his arm around her. After a bit her legs gave out on her and she slowly fell to the ground, Deeks with her as he continued to hold her in his arms.

"Shh," Deeks said to her. "I'm not leaving you Kensi, never again" Deeks whispered into her ear.

Nate watched from the monitor he had turned back on once he had left Kensi in the room with Deeks. As he watched he scene unfold he couldn't hope but wonder if Kensi was talking to Deeks or talking to someone else. He had talked to both Deeks and Kensi in the matter of two months and he could see just how different their partnership was compared to Sam and Callen or Kensi and Callen. He knew that Kensi and Deeks partnership was what helped Deeks in the end, but he couldn't help but wonder if it would destroy Kensi.

_Deeks sat on the beach looking out at the ocean and the surfer. It had been a couple days since Hetty had visited him. After Nate had coming knocking on his door and he ignored it. Deeks knew this was coming. Nate walked over to him and just stood next to him._

"_Wish you were out there?" Nate asked him._

"_No such thing as a bad day on the water," Deeks replied. "I came, I had my hand on the door. I don't know what happen I just couldn't come in."_

"_I'm pretty sure you'd feel better if we talked," Nate said. _

"_Pretty sure I wouldn't." Deeks said. _

"_Look, even though I'm here at Hetty's request, well I got my own opinions. The only one who matters in all this is you." Nate said. "I have no agenda beyond making sure you're in the best place you can be right now."_

"_How can you possible know what that place is, when I don't even know" Deeks said. _

"_Perspective," Nate replied. "Seldom do we know what we need for ourselves."_

"_What I need is sleep," Deeks said. _

"_Why do you think you can't sleep?" Nate asked. _

"_Because every time I close my eyes my mind just keeps running," Deeks answered. _

"_What?" Nate said. _

"_All sorts of stuff man," Deeks said. _

"_The abductions?" Nate asked. _

"_Yes the abduction," Deeks said. _

"_Torture?" Nate said. _

"_Abductions, torture, when I was shot. Falling off my bike when I was eight years old, stepping on a bee, nursery rhymes, grocery lists, infomercials. It's like someone took all my memories and put them into a blender," Deeks said. He then got up and started walking Nate following behind. _

"_You went through a traumatic experience," Nate said. _

"_Yeah but this is not my first traumatic experience," Deeks said._

"_No but maybe something about this one had more impact," Nate said. "Your brain could be trying to make sense of what happened by comparing it to past experiences, but you've got nothing that comes close so it's working a little harder to resolve it."_

"_Okay, so how longs this supposed to last?" Deeks asked. _

"_I don't think I have a definitive answer for that, but the more you talk about it out here the less you are going to have to work on it in here," Nate said and pointed to his head. _

"_So what in the mean time I walk around with the mind of a schizophrenic?" Deeks asked. _

"_I don't think you have to worry about being a schiz..." Nate started to say before Deeks cut him off. _

"_That's funny cause I already get the shaggy jokes and now I'm half way to homeless," Deeks said. "It's crazy I see these guys and I hear them talking to themselves. It scaring the hell out of me because if I was to say what's going on in my mind, it wouldn't be different."_

"_That's the real difference," Nate said. "You're worried about it. I'd be more concerned if you weren't." _

"_So I'm not crazy?" Deeks asked. _

"_Not yet, but if you don't start getting some sleep, you're gonna act and feel like it," Nate responded. "What about Kensi?"_

"_What about her?" Deeks asked. Deeks stopped and looked at the ocean for a moment. Nate stopped with him and looked at him._

"_Have you spoken with her?" Nate questioned_

"_She wasn't there," Deeks said. _

"_She's your partner, don't you think she has a right to know about what's going on?" Nate said. _

"_She's doing fine," Deeks said. _

"_Maybe you should let her be the judge of that," Nate said. _

"_Why does she matter in all this?" Deeks questioned. _

"_You two obviously have something special," Nate said. _

"_Who told you that?" Deeks said getting defensive. _

"_You're partners, it's a special relationship," Nate said. "Like Callen and Sam."_

"_Right… of course," Deeks said. _

"_But there is something different about your partnership, then the rest. So what is it about your partnership that's unique," Nate asked. _

"_What do you mean?" Deeks asked. "What do you mean unique?"_

"_Different from Callen and Sam, the others. What's the one ingredient that makes your partnership distinct from the rest?" Nate asked. _

"_I don't know," Deeks said. _

"_Well once you can answer that truthfully, to yourself everything else will become much clearer," Nate said. _

* * *

AN: I do not own the Nate/Deeks scenes, that belong 100% to CBS and Shane. I just added a little to it. Bonus Chapter, only hoping it works the way I want. So you get a chapter tonight and then tomorrow too. Then next chapter will be Tuesday. For those question, Carlos not going to come between Kensi and Deeks. He's just someone being nice to Kensi and trying to be a friend. Callen asked him to keep and eye on Kensi, so he's just trying to be a friend. Kensi doesn't know he's a cop, let alone the one who brought her home or that Callen asked him to watch her. That will come out and hoping something good comes out of it, well see.


	10. Hide

**Chapter Ten- "Hide"**

Deeks sat there on the floor still holding Kensi. They hadn't moved in a bit, Deeks was afraid if he moved she'd try and leave again. Though the door was still locked he knew she'd figure out how to leave. A few moments later, Kensi started to move. Deeks pulled away and let her get up, getting up as well himself.

"I know you don't want to talk about it," Deeks finally started to say. "But we're here now and I don't think Nate is going to let us out anytime soon."

"What is there really left to say?" Kensi asked.

"A lot," Deeks answered. "You resent me for leaving, you blame me for things. Then there is us… our thing…"

"There is no thing," Kensi said cutting him off.

"Kensi Nate wouldn't have locked us in a room together if we didn't need to talk," Deeks said. "If you don't want to talk, then fine just listen." Kensi just looked at him. She then walked over to the chair and sat down. "I have made mistake, who doesn't, but not the point. I shouldn't have pushed you away like I did. I just didn't know how to deal with it all. I felt like I was going crazy and I didn't want anyone to see me like that. I didn't want to see myself like that." Deeks started to say to Kensi. "I was also questioning everything I knew. I told Sam in the hospital I didn't want to be a cop anymore. Everything was telling me it was better off if I just walked away instead of trying to make this illusion of the job I had work. Having to face you again after everything that happened, I wasn't ready for that," Deeks continued to tell her. "After that… after I kissed you and you went after Michelle it felt like maybe just maybe things would happen. Then everything happened with Sidirov and it changed everything." Deeks looked at Kensi as if to see if she had a response. He didn't expect her to say anything, but kind of hoped maybe she would. "I know I said you were the one thing that got me through, but when I came out of it alive I just couldn't face you. I wasn't that person who kissed you on that hill anymore and I just didn't think you'd like who I had become. So I shut you out, I pushed you away and I walked away."

"How could you ever think I wouldn't like who you were?" Kensi asked him finally speaking. "I have put up with some much stuff over the last four years and you think this would change my mind of you?"

"You try and see yourself as the person you want to be, but when that person doesn't exist anymore it's hard," Deeks said to her. "You don't want to know how people around you might view you. You don't want them to feel sorry for you or pity you. You just want things to go back to normal and that is the one thing that just can't happen."

"If anything I would be the one person who wouldn't do that," Kensi said to him. "You knew what happened with Jack, why on earth would I act different with you?"

"The mind tells you things you try and tell yourself they're not true, but the mind is a powerful thing," Deeks said.

"So what is your mind telling you now?" Kensi said.

"That I was stupid. That I let the one good thing in my life get away and I don't deserve a second chance," Deeks said.

"The one good thing in your life?" Kensi asked him.

"This job…" Deeks said. Deeks could see the disappointment on her face. "You."

"You're just saying that, you don't mean it," Kensi said. Deeks moved closer to her and got down on the floor in front of her.

"I do mean it," Deeks said. "Kensi you are of the best things to happen to me in a long time and to walk away from you like I did was stupid and foolish. I should have known better, because I know you're not that type of person. Even if this ruins any chance of us being partners, I don't care. I…. I'm in love with you Kensi."

"You think just saying the words are going to make it all better?" Kensi said to him. She was trying so hard not cry again. "That it erases everything that happened? Because it doesn't." Kensi got up from the chair and moved away from Deeks. She kept her back to him, not wanting to see him at the moment. "I'm not going to say I was right in all this, because I know I'm not," Kensi said as she turned back to face Deeks. "I knew you were going through a tough time and all I wanted to do was try and help. I just wanted my partner back, whither you came back to the team or not it didn't matter. I just wanted you back in my life. When you started ignoring my calls and me I started to take it personal. Then Hetty told me you ask to leave and that I would have to be given a new partner. I told her it wasn't going to happen, I told her you'd come back. She told me you already left, I guess she wanted to prepare me for when you actually told her you were leaving," Kensi continued to explain to him. "Having Hetty tell me you were gone, it felt more like you were running from me. It hurt knowing you had left and walking into the bullpen without you there, I couldn't do it. I would look at your desk and see everything that lead to this and I didn't want to see that. I didn't want to feel that pain of knowing you had walked out of my life without a single word," Kensi said as she played with her ring finger as if there was a ring there. "I guess because we risk our lives everyday and spend as much time together as we do it's different. When Jack left it hurt, I had tried so hard to be there for him and in the end he still left. But with you it felt like someone pulled the rug from underneath me or was keeping my head underwater. I couldn't breathe; it hurt too much to be here without you. So I did what I do best, I let myself believe for a while I was someone else, someone with no past, no history and nothing to complicate things. I shut myself down so I didn't have to deal with losing you. I told myself that it was better to hate you, or forget you; I needed to hate you and forget you," Deeks stood there in shock listening to her story. "It worked for a while, then you came knocking on my door. Callen and Sam mean well, I know they do, I just wasn't ready to face myself yet. I guess I'm still not."

"Why did you come to me that night?" Deeks asked her.

"Habit I guess," Kensi said.

"Even after everything you just told me," Deeks said.

"You're my partner, you're the only person I trust" Kensi said. "Kind of ironic right?"

"I told you I'd be there every step of the way, even if you didn't see me I'd be there." Deeks said to her.

"I think it's time Nate let us out of here," Kensi said. Deeks started to notice there was a slight change in Kensi. He couldn't put his figure out it, but she wasn't the same from a few moments ago.

"I'll go see," Deeks said. He then turned and walked over to the door. Once he reached the door he heard his name spoken faintly before a crashing noise. When he turned back around Kensi wasn't standing anymore, she has collapsed on the ground. "Kensi" Deeks said in a panic as he rushed over to her. "Nate" Deeks yelled as he scooped Kensi into his arms. Everything following that was all just a blur to Deeks, Nate had rushed in, they contacted Eric and then Kensi was on his way to the hospital. All while this was happening Deeks refused to leave Kensi's side. He wasn't going to leave her, not again, never again.

* * *

AN: So here it is, the start of the mending. I like how this chapter came out, and realized two of the end lines would sound better in a script. The two lines, which are lines from the show as well are supposed to be more context then the line itself.


	11. Where You Are

**Chapter Eleven- "Where You Are"**

Deeks sat in the chairs in the waiting room with his head in his hands. The doctors and nurses at kicked him out and haven't told him anything yet. He wanted to go back in there, but he knew that wasn't going to be an option yet. He at least knew Nate was with her. He heard foots steps and looked up to see Sam and Callen walking over to him.

"What happened?" Sam asked.

"One minute we are talking the next she was on the ground," Deeks said. "I just got her back."

"Kensi's tough she'll be fine," Callen said.

"Callen's right," a voice said. They all looked up to see Nate walking out from the emergency personal only doors. Deeks got up from the chair and they all moved closer to Nate.

"How is she?" Deeks asked.

"She collapsed due to dehydration and exhaustion, but she will be fine," Nate said.

"How can that be?" Deeks asked. "I swear she slept find at my place."

"You might have thought it, but I don't think Kensi's gotten a good amount of sleep in a long time," Nate said. "With all this that is going on in her life. I think forcing her to talk to you Deeks might have been …"

"What cause this?" Deeks said cutting off Nate.

"No, not at all," Nate said. "I believe that everything collided together all at once for Kensi and she just couldn't take it anymore. If anything this will be good for Kensi. It will get her a chance to focus on herself and figure out what she needs to do to make sure it doesn't happen again."

"I will go update Hetty," Callen said, before walking away.

"I need to go check in with Michelle," Sam said before walking away too.

"You think she'll be alright?" Deeks said, once everyone else was gone.

"I just told you she'll be fine," Nate said.

"I don't mean this," Deeks said. "I mean with everything going on. I don't even know where we really left things, I just want to know if she's going to be okay."

"You both were able to open up and talk. It's one step in many, but you have to take them one at a time," Nate said. "The more you two talk the more you can work past the issues and work together again. It is going to be a process."

"Honestly I don't care if Kensi and I can ever work things out again, just as long as I know she's going to be okay," Deeks said. He knew he wanted him and Kensi to go back to the way it used to be. Hoped maybe one day it would happen, but he'd give that all up if it meant Kensi was going to get back to who she was.

"I think I better question is are you okay?" Nate asked.

"I'm fine," Deeks said. "I wouldn't be back at work if you didn't think I was okay. Being back at NCIS had really helped. I'm getting back into the normal order of things."

"That is good," Nate said. "Just be sure that this isn't you trying to turn your attention on to something else."

"I swear it's not," Deeks said.

"The minute things get out of hand…" Nate started to say.

"I will say something," Deeks said.

"I'm not the enemy you know," Nate said. "I will go see if you can go in and see Kensi," Nate before talking off behind the emergency personal doors. Deeks walked over to the window and just looked out it, staring out into the day. He couldn't help but thinking about everything that had gone through over the years.

"_This guy is a cold blooded killer, you could be walking into a trap," Nell said to Kensi. She had just gotten a call from the guy they were after, saying he had a job for Kensi. She remembered from earlier how he had killed he old partner in cold blood right in front of her. Kensi turned back to the screen in OSP. Deeks stood right next to her looking from the screen to her. _

"_I'm gonna be with you every step of the way, even if you don't see me I'll be there," Deeks said to her. _

"_He caught be off guard once, it's not gonna happen again," Kensi said to him. _

"_I know" Deeks said. _

"_Lets go" Kensi said before heading out of OSP._

"_Okay" Deeks said. He watched Kensi leave, stay for a moment. He looked at Hetty, before following behind. _

_**Softly, like a whisper  
Hold me, in your arms  
Everything fades but you and me**_

"_Are you sure it wasn't you, because the guy had you same little surfer drawl," Callen said to Deeks as then walked towards the bullpen. _

"_I do not speak with a drawl," Deeks said, as they made their way into the bullpen. _

"_The way you just said drawl, you said it with a drawl," Kensi said jumping into the conversation. She was standing by her desk reading the paper and drinking a cup of coffee. "What are we talking about?"_

"_Nothing, we are talking about absolutely nothing," Deeks said as he took his bad off and sat down at his desk. _

"_Someone called into a talk radio show last night, sounded exactly like Deeks," Callen said. _

"_Did he now," Kensi said as she sat down. "What was he calling about?"_

"_Oh he just wanted to talk about his feelings," Callen said as he walked over to his desk to sit down. "For a co-worker." Deeks dropped his head and Kensi perked up. _

"_Don't you think it's strange that Callen is a talk radio guy?" Deeks said trying to change the subject and move away from the caller. _

"_Why's that?" Callen asked. _

"_I don't know I always kind of considered you as a ah, you know a TV static white noise kind of guy," Deeks said. _

"_I have no idea what you are talking about," Callen said. _

"_Well I am a man of mystery," Deeks said. _

"_Mystery or misery?" Kensi asked. _

"_Uh it's going to be that kind of day isn't it," Deeks said. _

_**And you know I would cross the stars for your love  
And I think you would go that far  
Bu there is no where else I would rather be right now  
Then where you are**_

"_If you ever need anything…" Kensi started to say as she made her way from her desk, over to Deeks._

"_I know" Deeks said. _

"_I'll be..." Kensi said. _

"_Right." Deeks said. _

"_That's all you have to say?" Kensi said disappointed._

"_I don't know what you want me to say right now," Deeks said as he turned to pick up his box of stuff. "This isn't easy for me either."_

"_I have something to say. And I think if I don't say it now I probably never will. So just give me the chance," Kensi said. "Go ahead and say it."_

"_I don't know if this is the right time to say it, this…" Deeks said. _

"_Well it is what it is…" Kensi said. _

"_Right and we are what we are," Deeks said in response. _

"_We were what we were and it's over now," Kensi said. "I just… I kind of hoped you'd have more to say."_

"_I don't know, I mean I just think it takes maybe more time for me to process it," Deeks said to her. "Okay well then I will… uh... I'll call you."_

"_You'll call me?" Kensi said annoyed. _

"_Yeah, I said I'll call you and we will figure it out," Deeks said. _

"_Figure it out," Kensi said. _

"_Exactly. We always do," Deeks said. _

"_Right" Kensi said as she watched him walk away. _

_**Moonlight, in-between us  
Quiet, lingering  
Lost in your eyes, but I am safe**_

"_Anyone tell you have cute you are when you're homicidally angry?" Deeks said to Kensi. _

"_I'm not angry," Kensi said to him. "In fact I could slit your jugular vain eleven different ways from where I am sitting and I wouldn't lose my temper."_

"_All right," Deeks said. "Well I'm sorry I had to lie to you. I was protecting you."_

"_Protecting me?" Kensi said. _

"_Us," Deeks responded. _

"_Us?" Kensi said. _

"_Our thing," Deeks said. _

"_Whoa so there is a thing?" Kensi questioned. _

"_Can we not talk about this right now?" Deeks asked. "I Just…. maybe we can do it over drinks or something?"_

"_No I have plans," Kensi said._

"_Well then..." Deeks started to say._

"_Every night for the rest of my life," Kensi said. Deeks laugh slightly. _

_**You know I would cross the stars for your love  
And I think you would go that far  
There is no where else I would rather be right now  
Then where you are**_

"_No No No Deeks, I know that they want you to bring me in…" Kensi started to say. _

"_I'm not talking about what they want, forget what they want. I'm talking about us," Deeks said to her. "Alright right I'm your partner, what makes you think I'm going to let you do this by yourself?" _

"_Because you're my partner, and this is my mother and you're the only person I trust," Kensi said to him. _

"_Okay I'll keep her safe," Deeks said to her. _

"_Thank you," Kensi said. "I will come back in when I talk to Megan Stevens, that's a promise." Kensi said as he started to leave._

"_Wait, what do you want me to say to your mother?" Deeks asked her. "Like what am I… what am I supposed to say to her? That you're gonna see her soon? That you care about her? That you love her? Like what am I supposed to say?"_

"_I don't know," Kensi said before leaving. _

"_Okay," Deeks said after she left. _

_**Ever so gently  
Hold me in close  
So I can hear you whispering my name**_

"_She chose her life just let we do," Deeks said as he brought over a cup of tea to Kensi, she was icing her arm with a frozen bag of peas. _

"_Yeah but all she wanted was a family," Kensi said. "You know I actually thought I'd hate it here. I family, kids running around, happily married couple thing. It's actually kind of comforting. And it is nice to have someone to say goodnight to at the end of the day."_

"_What's happening here?" Deeks asked. "Kensi Blye going all soft on me?" _

"_No" Kensi said. _

"_Next now you're gonna want little kids running around. Little mutant ninja assassins" Deeks said. _

"_Hey" Kensi said as she kicked him. _

"_What I'm just saying, for the record that if that's something you want to do I could help with that. From a technically stand point, I'm the husband with means I have part of my body that are able…" Deeks said before he could finish something crashed through the window send both Deeks and Kensi to the ground. The quickly pulled out their guns and aimed it at the crash, only to find a young boy standing there. _

_**You know I would cross the stars for your love  
And I think you would go that far **_

"_Here's a million dollar question, do you remember what he was wearing?" Brett asked Kensi. _

"_White t-shirt, red shorts, black socks" Kensi said instantly. _

"_Wow that's actually quite impressive," Deeks said stunned she remembered. _

"_And Melissa what was she wearing" Polina asked. _

"_Are you trying to get me in trouble there is no possible way I could remember that," Deeks said. Kensi was a little disappointed. "Black tank top, jeans, bag that goes across the shoulder, hair down wavy" Deeks said. Kensi couldn't help but smile that he remembered too. _

"_Boy you guys are too cute," Polina said. _

"_Mostly her" Deeks said. _

"_So when did you first know she was the one?" Brett asked Deeks. But before he could answer the oven timer went off. _

"_Oh thank you for that, saved by the bell," Deeks said. _

_**There is no where else I would rather be right now  
Then where you are**_

* * *

AN: Last chapter for a bit. try to get another chapter up this weekend, but we shall see. That promo for next Tuesdays NCISLA, I can not wait. Going to be counting the days until it airs. The song is called Where You Are and it's by Rie Sinclair.


	12. Daylight

**Chapter Twelve- "Daylight"**

Kensi walked into her apartment, Deeks had offered to take her home, but in the end she agreed to let Sam be the one. Once she got in the door she thank Sam and made sure he had left. She knew they were just trying to be nice and make sure she was okay, but she didn't need all the hovering. That and she managed to avoid conversations with everyone while she was in the Hospital. Kensi knew she'd have to talk to everyone, especially Deeks, but for now she just wanted to get home. Tomorrow she'd talk to them tomorrow. She'd call Deeks and the two would talk, where it would lead that was another story. Kensi had just finished getting changed and was getting ready to head to bed, when there was a knock on her door. When she opened it she was shocked to find Carlos there.

"I came as soon as I heard," Carlos said as he rushed into her place. Kensi looked at him puzzled. "I wanted to know you were okay."

"Why are you here?" Kensi asked him looking at him puzzled.

"I heard you were brought to the hospital and released. I just wanted to make sure you were okay," Carlos said.

"I heard that," Kensi said. If things didn't make sense before they weren't any clearer now. "I meant why are you here… in my apartment?"

"I…" Carlos started to say.

"How did you know where I lived?" Kensi said.

"I…" Carlos said. "Look…"

"So either you are one of those creepy guys that stalks women, or it was you," Kensi said. She knew this was the last thing she needed right now.

"Kensi," Carlos said slipping up. Kensi felt sick to her stomach.

"Get out," Kensi yelled.

"This isn't what you think it is," Carlos said.

"I said get out," Kensi said to him. She was way beyond angry right now.

"Let me explain," Carlos said.

"Explain what? How you knew who I was when you started talking to me at the bar? Or how about how you took me home that night when I was completely drunk," Kensi said to him. She wasn't really looking for an answer. "You give me this shit about how you're a nice guy. You're a real nice guy. You take the drunken girl women and what you think they owe you something for being so nice. You took advantage of me and then pretending to be this nice person, you're sick."

"Kensi," Carlos said. Kensi backed away from him. "Yes I knew who you where when I sat down that night and yes I took you home, but I swear nothing happened."

"That is what you want me to believe," Kensi said to him.

"Kensi I'm a cop," Carlos said. He pulled out his badge to show her.

"This just keep getting better and better," Kensi said.

"When I took you home that night I put you on your couch. I saw the idiot trying to leave with you and stopped him, then I took you home because I didn't think you could make it on your own," Carlos told her. "I was just trying to look out for you."

"Why?" Kensi asked. "Why on earth would you look at for me?" Kensi then slowly put it together. "Deeks, he asked you didn't he?"

"No," Carlos said. "Deeks actually thought the same thing you did. He is the one who gave me the black eye."

"The one you said a friend thought you did something you would never do," Kensi said. "You just have it all figured out."

"I'm sorry Kensi," Carlos said. "You're a really great person and I didn't want to see you get hurt."

"Well it's a little late for that," Kensi said. "Now get out."

"I'm sorry," Carlos said before walking out oh her apartment. Kensi closed the door and then walked over to her couch. Kensi sat down on her couch and just let herself cry. This was all far too much for her. Between everything that happened with Deeks, to now finding this out it was all too much for her. Kensi wasn't paying attention to hear the door opened.

"Kensi," a soft voice said. Kensi looked up and over to see Nate standing there.

"Can we not… do this right now," Kensi said through her tears.

"I was just checking to see how you were doing," Nate said. "When I went to go talk to you at the hospital, they said you were released. I came here I knocked no answer, the door was opened."

"How does it look like I am?" Kensi snapped. Nate walked over and sat down in the chair.

"Would you like to talk about it?" Nate asked.

"No," Kensi said.

"Okay," Nate said.

"He lied to me," Kensi said after a moment.

"Who did?" Nate asked.

"This guy Carlos," Kensi said. "I thought he was nice. Someone I could talk too, someone who didn't know me. It was all a lie."

"Was it important to have someone to talk to? Someone who didn't know you?" Nate asked.

"It felt good," Kensi said. "For the first time in a long time I felt like the person I used to know. I was able to be myself, even if I was pretending to be someone else."

"It was an escape?" Nate said.

"I guess so," Kensi responded. "In a weird way he helped me realize something's, even if I just knew him for a short time."

"Like what?" Nate asked.

"Like about not giving up," Kensi said. "I ran into him at a dinner and some how we ended up talking about love. I said it was for fools and he … he was so set on making me believe in it. He told me not to give up and I don't know I guess for a bit I believed him."

"Love isn't something you should give up on," Nate said. "It's something you should believe in."

"I'm slowly getting there again," Kensi said. "I know you want to talk, but I need to do some things first."

"Of course," Nate said.

"I will come see you tomorrow," Kensi said. Nate then got up from the chair and walked towards the door. Kensi got up off the couch. "Nate." Nate stopped and turned to face Kensi.

"Yeah?" Nate said.

"Thank you," Kensi said. "You've really helped."

"I'm just doing my job," Nate said. "But I glad I am." Nate then walked out of Kensi apartment. Kensi wiped away the last remaining tears and headed to her bedroom. What the next few days would bring, she wanted to be ready for them.

* * *

AN: Sorry took so long for an update. School's been crazy, but hit a little road block with writing. But kind of figured out something we'll see how it goes. Carlos Alvarez will be back, this is not the end of him. Will Kensi finally be able to talk about her feelings, or will something keep her from doing so? (Really excited for what's ahead with Densi on the show. First the dinner and then next week. They are happening, They are really happening.)


	13. I Forgive You

**Chapter Thirteen- "I Forgive You"**

Kensi walked into the NCIS building and straight to Hetty's desk. She knew the first person she should talk to is Deeks, but some how she ended up here instead. She decided that she'd talk to Hetty, then Callen and Sam and then find Deeks. She had a lot to talk to him about and decided to leave that till last. Once she got to Hetty's desk she sat down in the chair in front of the desk. Hetty was looked up from her work.

"Ms. Blye," Hetty said.

"I wanted to apologize," Kensi said. "I put this team in danger and at risk. It will never happen again."

"It won't," Hetty said.

"I am working on my issues," Kensi said to her. "I have a lot to get through and I will get through it all."

"I know you will," Hetty said. "I can not have my Agents put in that kind of danger again. Until farther notice you are suspended. Until Nate tells me other wise, I don't want to see you back here. Is that clear?"

"It's clear," Kensi said. "I understand this is what you need to do and I respect it." Kensi knew this was the best choice and was going to work her way back to being a part of this team. No matter what it took.

"This team needs you Miss Blye," Hetty said.

"I know," Kensi said. Kensi then got up from the chair. "I'm not going to let any of you down again."

"I know you won't," Hetty said. Kensi gave her a small smile before walking about from her desk and into the bullpen. Callen and Sam were already at their desks. Kensi figured Deeks would be in soon, so she had to talk to them before he came in.

"Can I talk to you two?" Kensi said. Callen and Sam looked up and over at Kensi.

"Yeah Kens, what's up," Callen said.

"I wanted to apologize for the way I have been acting the last couple of months," Kensi started to say. "I was unprofessional, I put both of you at risk and I let my emotions cloud my judgment."

"Kensi…" Sam started to say.

"Let me finish," Kensi said to him. "I haven't yet figured it all out myself, but when I do I'll be sure to tell you both. I guess I never really expected to care about Deeks so much. So when he left it just really felt like he was running from me. So I pulled away and did what we do best, hide who we are. I just want you both to know how sorry I am, and to know that I never meant for any of this to happen. I just hope you both can forgive me." Kensi said as she started to cry. She tried so hard to hold back the tears, but he was just no use.

"Kensi," Sam said. He got up from his chair and walked over to her. He pulled her into a hug.

"What he said," Callen said as he got up from his chair. He walked over to Kensi and after Sam pulled away Callen pulled her into a hug. Kensi pulled away from the hug and they all let out a little laugh.

"I am so grateful to have you guys in my life," Kensi said.

"We feel the same way," Sam said to her with smile.

"Hetty's suspended me and I understand, I do," Kensi said. "But I will be back. That's a promise."

"We're going to hold you to that," Callen said.

"Plus who's going to keep shaggy in line?" Sam said jokingly.

"Speaking of Deeks, where is he?" Callen said.

"Maybe he's running late," Kensi said.

"Mr. Deeks," Hetty voice came from behind Kensi. They all turned to see Hetty standing there. Kensi heart dropped. Al she could think was Deeks was shot again, or he was gone. Everything that just happened was for nothing. "Is working a case with the LAPD. Mr. Callen, Mr. Hanna Eric will brief you." Without another word Callen and Sam headed up stairs.

"He's fine right?" Kensi said.

"He is fine Miss. Blye," Hetty said. "I wish I could tell you more…"

"I understand," Kensi said. "I should be going anyways." Kensi then walked past Hetty and headed out of the building.

Deeks paced back and forth in the living room of the safe house. He had gotten a call from Detective Alvarez about something that had gone horribly wrong. Deeks told him to meet at the safe house and he's be there. Once he got there, Alvarez was treating a wound. Alvarez then explained to him how he thinks his cover was blown and the operation might be screwed. So Deeks had talk to their boss and figured out a way to save the case.

"How stupid could you be Alvarez?" Deeks snapped at him. Alvarez was sitting on the couch, just watching Deeks.

"I cared about her," Alvarez said. "I wasn't thinking."

"You're damn right you weren't thinking," Deeks snapped at her. "It might have screwed up years of undercover work?"

"You don't think I know that?" Alvarez snapped back at him.

"Clearly you don't, or you won't have gone to her house to begin with," Deeks said. He stopped pace and just looked right at Alvarez. "Just be thankful, Bates is letting me help with this or you'd most likely be dead."

"I want to make this right," Alvarez said. "With you, Bates and with Kensi."

"I don't think you can," Deeks said. He was talking about Kensi more then the other. "By showing your hand like that, you showed her you're just another person lying to her."

"Some how I think you are talking from experience," Alvarez said to him.

"By helping you right now, I think I have screwed up my chance," Deeks said. "Just when we were trying to find out way back."

"Look man if I can do anything to help I will," Alvarez said. "I don't want this to screw things up for you."

"I will figure it out," Deeks said. "We always do," Deeks said under his breathe. "Right now we need to fix this. There is so much evidence and to many years of work put into this operation to let it blow up now."

"Where do we start?" Alvarez asked.

"Where we always do," Deeks said.

* * *

AN: Sorry took so long for a new chapter, got a lot of things going on. I said Carlos would be back and didn't mean for this but then I got this idea. This will play out the next couple of chapters. I find it interesting, in the show Kensi leaves and I wrote in my story that Deeks is the one that leaves kind of. I mean on missions. Very sad with tonight's NCISLA, but Daniela and Eric did amazing. Excited and worried to see what is to come.


	14. I'm Gonna Try

**Chapter Fourteen- "I'm Gonna Try"**

"Kensi," Nate's voice said. Kensi sat in a small little office with Nate sitting across from her. Kensi just stared out the window, she had been there with Nate for almost an hour and they hadn't really spoken at all. Kensi snapped out of her trace and look at Nate. "Everything okay?"

"Just thinking," Kensi said to him.

"About what?" Nate asked.

"Deeks," Kensi answered.

"What about him?" Nate asked.

"I wanted to talk to him. I kind of blew him off when I was released from the hospital," Kensi answered. "I didn't get to talk to him and now he's gone undercover."

"Dare I say it, how does that make you feel?" Nate said.

"To be honest with you I don't know," Kensi said to him. "I think I'm more worried about him because it's his first mission since the abduction and he doesn't have us."

"Doesn't have you?" Nate said.

"What if I think I should be there?" Kensi said.

"It's only natural, you are his partner," Nate said. "It's showing that you want to be there."

"But I feel like I shouldn't be feeling like this," Kensi said.

"Why is that?" Nate asked.

"Because I have been…. Because of the way I have been acting," Kensi said. "Yet all I can do is think about how Deeks isn't going to be able to do this. Then I think about how I should have his back and then I remember I've been suspended. I have made a mess of everything and now when I'm needed most I can't be there."

"What make you think you are needed most right now?" Nate asked her.

"Because Deeks needs someone he can trust to have his back," Kensi said. "He needs to know that he will make it out."

"What make you think he doesn't have that?" Nate asked.

"I don't know, I guess I'm just making things up in my head. Maybe I'm making this all up so that way I am needed. Make up for everything I've done." Kensi said. "I mean I don't know anything about the case."

"Worrying about things you don't know won't help you," Nate said. "This also could be you worrying that since you didn't have his back the last time that history could repeat itself. Kensi to move past that you need to let go. You need to realize that there is nothing you could have done. Who's to say if you had done something it would have made a difference? Or maybe it would have made it worse? You can think about the what ifs all you want, but it's not going to change anything."

"I was supposed to have his back," Kensi said as tears started fill in her eyes.

"And you do," Nate said.

"I didn't that day," Kensi said. "Hetty spilt us up. Deeks was with Sam and Michelle and I was with Callen. I was supposed to cover Michelle, Deeks was covering Sam. We should have known this, we're bound to fall from there."

"Do you blame Hetty?" Nate asked.

"No," Kensi said. "I guess I just don't understand why she spilt us up. I mean she could tell me over and over again, but still don't think it will ever make sense."

"Does this change you view of Hetty?" Nate asked.

"No… I don't know… Maybe," Kensi said. "I know she has all these reason's behind why she does what she does, I guess I'm just not ready to know some of those reasons."

"So you know this has gone from being about Deeks to being about Hetty," Nate said.

"Guess it's working then," Kensi said.

"Would you like to call it a day?" Nate asked.

"Is that your way of saying it be better if we continue talking tomorrow?" Kensi asked.

"Just looking to see if you would like to continue talking or call it a day?" Nate said.

"Guess it be better to call it day," Kensi said.

"Then I'll see you tomorrow, same time?" Nate said.

"Yeah," Kensi said. She then got up fro the chair and headed out of the room.

"We have less then 12 hours to get this up and running, or Alvarez goes in there and most likely won't come out," Deeks said as he walked into ops.

"We have your new identity all set and it goes back awhile," Eric said. He then handed Deeks a new licenses.

"What is this?" Deeks said, "You have me going in as myself?"

"Yes Mr. Deeks," Hetty said as she walked into ops. "I had cleared in with Bates. You will be going in as Detective Marty Deeks the dirty cop."

"We altered a lot of stuff in your history," Eric said. "There might even be a warrant out for your arrest."

"Going in as a dirty cop or dirty ex-cop might win you some point with them," Callen said.

"I need to know if I go in there I won't get Alvarez killed," Deeks said.

"You got Callen and I, we aren't going to do anything to get either of you killed," Sam said.

"I know," Deeks said. "Lets do this." Deeks then walked out of ops and headed down to his desk. He didn't notice that Sam had followed him.

"This isn't about Detective Alvarez is it?" Sam asked. Deeks turned and faced Sam.

"If I wasn't for me he wouldn't have been sucked into our world and they'd be finishing up this mission. I just owe him this," Deeks said.

"You can say what you want, but we all know this is about more then just Detective Alvarez," Sam said. "She is your partner, it's only natural you want her here."

"I know what you are trying to do Sam and I appreciate it, but I need to focus on this." Deeks said trying to really avoid the subject.

"Just know we are here for you," Sam said.

"I know," Deeks said. "Now I just need to figure out how to get in the door, wish me luck." Deeks then grabbed his stuff and headed out of the building. Unknowing to him that Sam had wished him luck as he left.

* * *

AN: sorry it's been a bit. Kind of got stuck on where to go from here. I had and idea but making it come it life has been a bit harder, but working it out. Also it's getting to be the end of my semester, so been focusing on that. Once I'm finished will get back to writing this story. Have this idea and want to write out.


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